remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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