Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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