Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
