i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
