woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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