Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
