My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
