I wish my penis had an off switch
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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