I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
