dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
