mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
