This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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