I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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