bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
