He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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