My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
