I got chris browned last night
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
