"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So apparently I’m into choking now
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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