I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
