Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
