Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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