they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
