The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
