there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
