Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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