A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
