Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
