I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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