laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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