Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
is it fun? or sober?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
