i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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