just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
