Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
