I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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