I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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