Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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