I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
