Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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