My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
