guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
