if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
