He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
