why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
