And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
