Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
