I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
