I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
please don't ironically join a cult
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