Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
