I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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