JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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