your parents love me but you hate me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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