it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
